Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was thinking about creme brulee. I made creme brulee for dessert last night and there were still two uneaten dishes of my favorite dessert sittin’ pretty in the fridge.
I’m not sure which part of my body was telling me that I was still hungry, because I knew in my mind I shouldn’t be hungry, I had eaten enough, but my stomach didn’t feel full…but it didn’t feel hungry either. And my brain was saying, “you shouldn’t be hungry” but it was also saying, “I need something to eat.” And my mouth was saying, “give me goodness!” And part of me is saying, “GO TO SLEEP BEFORE YOU GAIN 500LBS!!!”
Which, of course, meant I was up for another two hours thinking about food and then trying to not think about food, and then getting mad at myself for thinking about food, and then trying to be nice to myself because I had thought about food and then was mean to myself for thinking about food.
“I HATE FOOD!”
“SHUT-UP! I love it!”
Anyways, so I was up thinking about food when finally I said, “NO! In the name of Jesus Christ I renounce these thoughts. And then to keep me from thinking about food and my body image, I started to think about Jesus. It was hard at first, because I was so used to thinking about food and body image, that my mind kept wandering back there. And if I just kept saying, “I will not think about food and body image” then all I could think about was food and body image. So, I started singing a worship song in my head, in the hopes that singing about Jesus might help me become more like Jesus.
Do you know how many worships songs and hymns are about bread? SO MANY!
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my body craves bread. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Jesus is talked of as food for our soul. We sing songs of tasting the goodness of our God, why is that? So much of the bible is about food. The original sin had to do with eating a forbidden fruit. Food is everywhere.
“God, will I ever be able to get away from food?”
“But then why am I doing this?! If I can never get away, doesn’t that mean I will never change? Lord, I fear I will always feel too fat to love. I know I’m not fat, but I feel fat, and food makes me feel fat, and thinking about food makes me feel guilty and ashamed and unworthy. Lord, I am so disheartened, beaten, crushed, and all I want right now is to eat creme brulee.”
“Come to me, I am all you need. I am the bread you desire. I am the goodness you desire. I am the sweetness, the fullness, the greatness, your nourishment. I AM. Life with me flows with milk and honey. You will never be without. In Me, you will never be thirsty. In Me, you will never be hungry. With Me, you will NEVER be too fat to love. Come to me, I am all you need.”